


Terra Viridis

by Vanessa_Cocotea



Category: Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors, Wallace & Gromit
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 03:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1251748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanessa_Cocotea/pseuds/Vanessa_Cocotea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From2007:</p><p>Wallace and Gromit get attacked and, looking for help, stumble into the TARDIS. After some discussion, the Doctor takes them to a planet called, Terra Viridis. Wallace gets into a disagreement over cheese - which evolves into a street brawl, the Doctor gets himself and Gromit drunk and they all get arrested. A fun way to spend St. Patrick's Day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terra Viridis

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in a series of St. Patrick's Day stories I've done over the years.

"Well. Gromit, what do you say? A nice bit of cheese there, eh lad? Make a lovely St. Patrick's Day tea, wouldn't it, me old china? Along with some crackers, and we mustn't forget the green beer, must we? Wouldn't be St. Paddy's Day without it, would it now?" Wallace smiled down at his best mate. Gromit just looked at him and said nothing, as usual. Of course, at the moment, he couldn't have said anything, had he wanted to, his mouth was filled with carrier bag handles, and his mind was filled with notions of what would turn up to turn this day into anything but a nice pleasant ORDINARY St. Patrick's Day.

The pair duly got their green beer and other assorted appropriate goodies and were headed towards home. They, or rather Wallace, chatted amiably about the tea, about what St. Patrick's Day programmes might be on telly (Gromit anticipating that the battle for the remote would be the most exciting thing about the whole day), hoping there might be a good film on that night when...

...they came like a bolt out of the blue, or rather, the green! A multitude of green blurs came at Wallace and Gromit, and before they knew it, the pair found themselves tumbled onto the ground, a bit dazed, but otherwise, none the worse for wear. Their purchases were nowhere to be found!

Rather groggily, Wallace said, "Did you get their plate number, Gromit?" Wallace felt like he'd been hit by a whole team of lorries. "GROMIT!" He hurried over the still form. The dog was lying on his back, eyes closed. "GROMIT! Speak to me, lad! Speak to me! Are you all right, Gromit lad?" Gromit opened his eyes. He'd just been a bit dizzy and had taken a slight rest to let the world stop spinning. He was fine now. Wallace grabbed him and hugged him so tightly, he nearly squished the life out of his beloved dog! "Oh, Gromit, you're all right! You're all right! Oh, that's champion, that is! Just champion!"

Having assessed the remaining problem, the missing purchases, Wallace looked round for help. Gromit jogged his sleeve. "What is it, Gromit? Do you see a policeman?' Gromit pointed to a Police Box about a block away.

"Excellent, boy! That's just the ticket! We'll get help now!" The two ran over to the Police Box. Wallace opened the little "Free for Use of Public" door and picked up the receiver. But when he dialed "999", nothing happened. "Must be out of order, Gromit. Let's try inside, shall we lad?"

********

Wallace squeaked and Gromit gaped! Both promptly passed out! When they came to, Wallace was in a comfortable reading chair and Gromit was lying on a nice comfy doggy bed. They were in a vast chamber like a Gothic drawing room. There was an overhead "skylight" that covered the whole ceiling! Multitudes of bookshelves lined one wall and in the centre of the room stood a six-sided "table" filled with dials and switches of every description. But the most extraordinary thing was the man standing at the "table". He looked just shy of middle age, slightly built, with curly shoulder-length chestnut hair. He twirled a few dials, flicked a switch or two, then turned round to reveal dazzling blue eyes and one of the warmest smiles Wallace or Gromit had ever seen.

In a friendly, concerned voice, he said, "Hello there! I hope you're both feeling better! Fancy a cup of tea? I make a great cup of Darjeeling." Wallace fainted again. Gromit put a paw over his eyes thinking, "Great! Another tea lover! If he mentions crackers and cheese, I'm outta here!"

"Oh, dear." The Doctor murmured. Fainting seemed to be the standard reaction to meeting him and the TARDIS these days. He walked over to Wallace, who was already stirring, and as he came to, said, "I'm sorry. I know this is all a bit much to take in. Are you all right, old chap?" He asked kindly. "You just rest, both of you, while I make a few adjustments and then I'll explain everything."

Later, over an excellent cup of Darjeeling and some biscuits, they made their introductions and the Doctor did his best to explain things. He was an old hand at it by now, used to the various levels of understanding of his new acquaintances. Gromit seemed to take it all in better than Wallace, but Wallace did all right. After all, he had been to the moon on a recent cheese quest! It was the details that still baffled him a bit, but he was always open-minded and got on with telling the Doctor about their St. Patrick's Day supplies getting stolen.

"I would like to have been able to find a green cheese and go all out, but I had got a lovely bit of imported Irish cheese. It would have made a lovely Tea!" Wallace sighed wistfully.

"If it's green cheese you'd like, I believe I can help you there." The Doctor said.

Wallace brightened up and Gromit inwardly groaned, thinking, "Oh, dear! They are two of a kind!"

"Yes, I know a planet, Terra Viridis, settled on by a group of Irish explorers. They're famous for all sorts of green foods, including a few kinds of very tasty green cheese! Fancy a trip?"

Wallace all but openly drooled! "Now?"

The Doctor smiled. "Absolutely! If you like, I'll set the coordinates immediately."

"Oh yes, please!" Wallace was in his element. At last - green cheese! Even Gromit perked up.

It took about ten minutes in the old girl to get to Terra Viridis, for which The Doctor apologised profusely. "Newer models can do it in seconds!" He stated wistfully. The TARDIS, tired of being constantly reminded of her "obsolescence", gave a snort, and promptly emitted an electric shock to the Doctor, who'd made the mistake of making that remark, whilst leaning back against the console. He yelped, and, rubbing his backside, leapt hurriedly away from the console. In a somewhat contrite voice, he mumbled, "Sorry." The "Old Girl" snorted again. Wallace suppressed a smile. She really DID seem to be a "semi-sentient lifeform", complete with feelings! The Doctor said, rather sheepishly, "I've really GOT to stop saying that! She really does do very well - for her age!" He finished, impishly. He darted away, just in time to avoid another shock. He looked at Wallace and Gromit and chuckled.

Still chuckling, the three of them stepped out onto Terra Viridis. It really was the greenest planet the Doctor had ever seen, and it impressed Wallace and Gromit no end! Especially Wallace - who couldn't wait to inspect all the lovely green cheese the Doctor had spoken of. The Doctor had supplied him with a very large shopping bag, which Wallace was in no doubt would get filled very quickly indeed! The Doctor had also given him - what the Doctor said was, the correct currency. Wallace had no doubt that it was the right money, and happily looked forward to all the green cheese he would buy. Gromit just worried about how ill Wallace would get, eating all that alien cheese!

As they walked towards the nearest town, Viridis Failte (meaning "green welcome"), Wallace asked, "How do they make green cheese here?"

The Doctor replied, "They use a genetically formulated grass to feed their cows. It turns the milk green and they use this milk to make green cheese."

"But it is safe to eat?" Wallace enquired.

"Oh, absolutely! In fact, it's extremely healthy, in addition to being very tasty." Wallace's mouth started to water. Gromit started to look a little alarmed.

The Doctor continued on, "The people here also make a wonderful green wine. It tastes a bit like a mango-pineapple mix. It's very nice - as is the green water used in its production."

"Green water?!?!" Wallace looked fascinated. Even Gromit showed some interest.

"Yes, a very pure spring water from the highest mountain on Terra Viridis - Mount Grannysmith."

"The mountain is named after an apple?!?!" Wallace couldn't wait to meet the inhabitants! They sounded fascinating, if a little loopy.

The Doctor smiled. "They are a fun-loving people with a great sense of humour. I think you'll enjoy them."

"I'm sure I shall."

They arrived at the town. There were celebrations in full swing everywhere. Wallace immediately spied a street vendor selling a variety of green cheeses. He was off like a shot before anyone could stop him. The Doctor smiled at Gromit and said, "Shall we go, my friend ?" Gromit's answer was to race after Wallace, leaving the Doctor to follow at a more leisurely pace, smirking to himself.

By the time the two had caught up, Wallace had nearly bought out the poor vendor's entire stock! The Doctor looked at Wallace in alarm, "Steady on, old chap! You've still got a whole town to investigate!"

"Oh, right! Lead the way, Doctor!" The Doctor led them to the town's main attraction - a Hypermarket. Wallace gaped, sure he'd died and gone to Cheese Heaven! Gromit growled. Wallace would be ill for sure now! The Doctor smirked again.

They discovered Wallace - as expected, at the cheese counter. He already had his trolley filled with about fourteen different kinds of green cheese, including a particularly smelly kind called, "Blue Terserus". The Doctor put a hand to his face, shaking his head. He'd forgot about "Blue Terserus". Heaven help the TARDIS - and himself (she would NOT be amused!), if Wallace brought that into the TARDIS! Gromit later took matters into his own paws and snuck the offending cheese out of the trolley! Wallace never even noticed, he had so many kinds piled in! The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief and said to Gromit, in gratitude, "Thank you!" He could have sworn Gromit smiled.

The Doctor looked up suddenly, to hear a shouting match going on between Wallace, the sales assistant and a very drunk Viridisian. They were fighting over a cheese. The Doctor and Gromit dashed over. By the time they got there, Wallace and the Viridisian were on the floor, rolling all over, crashing into displays, toppling their contents and shouting, "It's mine!" "No, it's mine!" The sales assistant was nearly having kittens! He tried to intervene and got kicked in the stomach by an errant foot. The Doctor ran over to a nearby cold drinks barrel, tossed out the drinks bottles, and took the barrel full of ice back to the squabbling pair and up-ended its entire contents over them! It worked a treat! A minute later, after a blank look from Wallace and some very nasty language from the Viridisian, all was quiet. The whole area looked like a bomb site. The Doctor bowed as several customers applauded him. But it didn't stay quiet for long. The store manager came over and he was not amused. He told the offenders they would have to pay for the damages and the Viridisian took serious exception to that, saying the place ought to stock a proper supply of merchandise, the manager protested, the Viridisian punched him, and they ended up rolling on the floor and right out the door of the market onto the street! The Doctor, Wallace (who had sheepishly apologised to everyone) and Gromit were pretty much in shock. The Doctor hadn't remembered the Viridisians as being THAT passionate!

The next thing they knew, they were carried along with the wave of people hurrying out to see the brawl that had developed out in the street. It was chaos! The original cause seem to have been forgotten and everyone in the area seemed to have joined in. Women were hitting people with their handbags. Men were flinging punches everywhere. Even children were crawling amongst the crowd, nipping at ankles here and there! The Doctor yelped as he got bit. He looked down to find Gromit shrugging, as though to say, "Sorry! Wrong ankle!" All of a sudden, a piercing whistle was heard. The police had arrived. They promptly sprayed everyone, including the Doctor and his friends, with gas - laughing gas! Within minutes, several hundred people were laughing till the tears streamed out of their eyes. Amid the chaos, and once he'd calmed down himself, the Doctor started to sneak his friends away. He wasn't fast enough. They were heading near a river, half a kilometer or so along, by which the TARDIS waited.

They never made it. The police caught them and herded them back into the crowd. The police were herding the laughing crowd into the river of green water to counteract the effects of the gas. The offenders would then be taken to police headquarters to sort everything out. At the river, the crowd was given another blast of gas. It caught them all off-balance and everyone tumbled in. The Doctor's velvet, linen, and silk clothes were ruined. They all came up coughing and sputtering.

At the police station, the Doctor and his friends and the cheese department sales assistant, whose name was Cian Mac Carthaigh, were let off with a caution. The three of them and Gromit adjourned to a nearby pub, in serious need of refreshment. Terra Viridis had a warm climate, so no one was in any danger of catching cold. They squelched into the pub. The landlady looked at them askance, but she'd heard of all the goings on, and as they looked respectable enough - just wet, she let them in. They sat down and ordered several bottles of the famous green wine and some of the green water for Gromit.

Cian proved to be wonderful chap and soon all four became fast friends. He forgave Wallace for his part in the contretemps. After all, Wallace hadn't started the melee. He even offered Wallace a wheel of his favourite cheese. As he seem to have spent the whole day losing purchases, he gratefully accepted. Much to the Doctor's relief, he did not choose "Blue Terserus"! Cian used the pub's telephone to have the cheese sent over. After it had arrived, they sat back, drank wine and just relaxed. Wallace, however, couldn't stop staring at his beloved cheese. He hardly touched a drop of his wine. The Doctor, though, polished off at least two bottles. He was getting decidedly "tipsy". So "tipsy", in fact, that when he went to pour water in Gromit's bowl, he grabbed the wrong bottle. He gave Gromit green wine instead! Which meant, that within the hour, both the Doctor and Gromit were horribly drunk! Cian seemed to manage a bit better, but even he got somewhat "tipsy"! Wallace had no choice, but to come out of his cheese rhapsodising and get the Doctor and Gromit out of there. He took the bag with his cheese in, paid for their drinks, put Gromit over his shoulder, and manoeuvred the Doctor out of the pub. Cian stared tipsily after them.

"Easy does it, Doctor. That's right. Left foot. Right foot. Now we just need the key." Wallace guided them to the TARDIS door. The Doctor, clinging to Wallace for support, fumbled for his key. It took six tries before he got it in correctly and opened the door. Once inside, he tripped down the steps and landed heavily on the floor. Wallace sighed and put the groggy Gromit on the doggy bed, then went back to help the equally groggy Doctor to the reading chair.

"I can make it, thanks all the same." He insisted - and immediately tripped over the end of one of the girders, supporting the console. "Ahhhh!" The Doctor cried, as he sprawled on the floor.

"Come on, lad! Just lean on old Uncle Wallace. There we go." Wallace eased the Doctor into his chair at last, where he fell asleep at once! Wallace contented himself with admiring his giant wheel of green cheese. He'd have a great St. Patrick's Day when he finally got back to Earth.

The Doctor woke after a couple of hours, back to his old self, or so it seemed. He certainly seemed sober. Gromit still slept on.

"Wallace, I must apologise. I haven't got that drunk since I was last on Gallifrey and spent time with the Shaboogans. I'm terribly sorry."

"That's quite all right, lad! I must say, it was an adventure! A St. Patrick's Day I'll never forget. A pity it's over."

"I can fix that. To make it up to you, and for getting Gromit drunk, he should be fine once he's rested and everything, I'll get you both back on St. Patrick's Day morning. You can still celebrate. How's that sound, eh?"

"You can really do that?" The Doctor nodded."Well, then, that sounds grand! Thank you!"

And that's just what the Doctor did. On the way back, it was Wallace's turn to fall asleep in the Doctor's chair. So the Doctor landed the TARDIS in Wallace's bedroom. He carried Wallace to his bed, removed his shoes, and, smiling, tucked him up. Then he brought Gromit out, placed him in his own bed, smiled, and went to get Wallace's cheese. He put it in the fridge and took his leave.

Back in the TARDIS, he started hiccuping. It seemed he was having a delayed reaction to all that green wine. So, being a bit woozy, he took himself off to his bedroom, leaving his ruined clothes in a heap on the floor - he'd deal with them later, and went to bed for a nice long nap.

The End


End file.
